Trust, communication, and mutual respect serve as the foundations of healthy relationships. But what if your partner insists on checking your phone, questions how you spend every minute, or limits who you can see or talk to? At first, it may feel like concern. But over time, this behaviour can feel suffocating, draining, and emotionally damaging.
In psychology, these controlling behaviours fall under coercive control, a subtle but dangerous form of emotional abuse that erodes your sense of self and independence. Let’s explore what it means when a partner monitors your time, friendships, or phone, how it affects your mental health, and how counselling can help you reclaim your autonomy.
What Is Controlling Behaviour in Relationships?
When one spouse attempts to control the other’s decisions or activities, that is known as controlling behaviour. This can include:
- Constantly tracking your whereabouts
- Reading your private messages or social media
- Discouraging or forbidding contact with certain friends or family
- Repeated questioning about your activities or social interactions
- Making you feel guilty for spending time alone or with others
While this might be disguised as “care” or “love,” it’s rooted in power and fear, not genuine concern.
Why Do Partners Monitor Others?
Psychological reasons behind controlling behaviour often include:
- Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem
Some individuals feel threatened or fear rejection, so they try to control their partner to avoid perceived loss (Murray et al., 2000).
- Anxious Attachment Style
People with anxious attachment may crave closeness but fear abandonment, leading them to monitor and cling (Bowlby, 1988).
- Past Trauma or Betrayal
Previous experiences of betrayal may lead a person to distrust others and over-monitor current partners.
- Desire for Power and Control
In some cases, the controlling partner uses tactics to isolate and dominate the other, which is a hallmark of emotional abuse (Stark, 2007).
Warning Signs You’re Being Controlled
You might be experiencing coercive control if:
- You constantly feel the need to explain your actions
- You avoid seeing friends to prevent arguments
- When you check your phone in front of your lover, you get anxious.
- You’ve started doubting your memory, choices, or sanity
- You’re losing confidence, peace of mind, and social freedom
These signs shouldn’t be ignored. Long-term exposure to this behavior can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and even symptoms of emotional trauma (Ali & Naylor, 2013).
The Impact on Mental Health
Being controlled damages your sense of identity and autonomy. Victims often feel “trapped” emotionally, even if there’s no physical barrier. Over time, it can lead to:
- Isolation from social supports
- Fear-based decision-making
- Emotional numbness or helplessness
- Loss of joy in life and relationships
This ongoing pressure is not just unhealthy, it’s psychologically harmful.
How Counselling Can Help
If you’re facing controlling behaviours in your relationship, counselling offers a safe space to process, heal, and make informed decisions. Here’s how:
- Individual Therapy
- Identifies unhealthy patterns
- Builds self-esteem and personal boundaries
- Teaches assertive communication skills
- Helps you explore your needs and priorities
- Encourages respectful communication
- Uncovers deeper trust or insecurity issues
- Can help both partners develop empathy and emotional regulation
If your partner refuses therapy or blames you for their behaviour, this is a red flag, not a failure on your part.
Setting Boundaries and Reclaiming Freedom
Boundaries are key to healthy relationships. You have the right to:
- Private conversations and phone use
- Time with friends and family
- Say “no” without guilt
- Be treated with trust and respect
Setting boundaries might be difficult at first, especially if your spouse pushes back. But with practice and support , they help protect your mental well-being.
Practical Self-Care and Next Steps
Here are steps you can take if you feel your autonomy is being compromised:
- Journal your experiences to track patterns
- Talk to a counsellor or therapist (online options like TalktoAngel can help)
- Learn to say “no” without justification
- Prioritise your emotional safety
In situations where controlling behaviour becomes emotionally abusive, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or reach out to helplines.
Conclusion
Control isn’t love. A partner who constantly monitors your time, friendships, or phone isn’t protecting you they’re limiting you. When control replaces communication, it becomes a red flag, not an act of care. Healthy intimacy thrives in safe, respectful spaces, not in ones filled with fear or pressure.
If you’re feeling isolated, anxious, or constantly walking on eggshells, these may be signs of a toxic relationship. Dating concerns like possessiveness, jealousy masked as love, or demands for constant access to your private life should not be ignored. Everyone deserves a relationship where they can breathe, grow, and be authentically themselves.
Your peace, safety, and independence are not negotiable; they are essential. If these are missing, it may be time to reflect and reach out for help. You’re not alone, and support is available. You deserve better always.
Contributed by Ms. Sakshi Dhankhar, Counselling Psychologist
This blog was posted on 18th June 2025
References
- Ali, P. A., & Naylor, P. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Explanations for causation. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 18(6), 611–619.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
- Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). Self-esteem and attachment processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(3), 478–498.
- Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: The entrapment of women in personal life. Oxford University Press.