So we all are here, stuck in this worse situation and I don't know about you all but it feels really bad to me. It feels like there is a toxic gas passing through the central bone of my ribcage and it always develops restless anxiety in my body. Feels like there is a pain in the joints of my fingers and it becomes nearly impossible to focus my mind on anything. And for sure we all have different reasons, different situations but I bet the suffering is similar. And I don't know about you guys but the worst part for me is to wake up in the morning.
When I wake up there is are some moments in the morning when I experience this awful feeling in which my mind is monotonously searching for the reason behind why am I hearing this pulsation from my heart, today also? And then this thought gets stuck in my mind and my day spends in searching for this reason. No matter what I am doing, this search keeps going on in my subconscious mind. While searching I always try to turn the pages of my past life. Try to go to the root reasons for all this.
Believe me, it started pure and beautiful but mistakes happened. We live in a practical world and we all right here know that it is dirty and dark inside out but again when I think about what all happened I found myself guilty somewhere and I always think like I should have done this thing instead of that thing and stuff like that. This all keeps going in my mind until at late evenings the reality hits me that all that happened can't be changed and that is painful to realize and this pain stays with me until late nights and at that time I decide to stay away from all these thoughts from next day but you don't have control over your mind when you wake up and cycle go on and on.
Then one day I again asked myself that why is my heart pumping cause I literally feel like I
am not the person suitable for living in this time and this kind of scenario of life and I got no
answers. I took a step further in thinking about the purpose of my life and again there was no answer.
And then I started thinking that what if I have already fulfilled or maybe destroyed the purpose of my life by doing all that silly mistakes for which I still feel guilty. If this is the case then why is my heart pumping or why is my brain functioning. This is too bad but I keep going on and it felt like there is a complete whole mess in my mind. I guess you can relate to this. It's terrific to feel like there is no point of your life but the thing which stuck to my mind is that my heart is still pumping which means something is still incomplete maybe some more trouble, some more mistakes, some more sufferings but something is still out there to be discovered and now this is upon me because now or maybe later but I have to accept it that what happened can't be changed.
This thing hits me daily in evening but today I am saying that what happened can't be changed and it seems like the worst to me but my heart is still pumping and no matter how many wrong decisions I have made or how much hard it was but I survived it.
Yes, I know there are many of you out there who could have done better but I also bet that many of you can't even survive through it and I did. So in the queue of infinite people, I am not at the last position in fact I am ahead of many cause my heart is still pumping. And as I have discovered that there are still things to be revealed in the future I can do better, better than before, maybe better than everyone because this time I will be more prepared. Why can't I, my heart is still pumping.
This was a whole lot of new thing, a different feeling like discovering my own achievements cause I know I made mistakes but they were not intentional so I was silly but not wrong but what happened with me was wrong and hard too but I survived it and that's the achievement. And now I have accepted that what happened can't be changed but I gave a genuinely nice performance and that is why my heart is still pumping. This is the answer to my question, this is why my heart is still pumping because I gave a good performance and I will do better next time.
See the thing is that your family or your friends or whosoever is concerned with you can only care for you, they have their own life, their own situations, and their own experiences so they can never completely feel what you are feeling but they are trying. In the end your life, your mindset is in your own hands. You are the powerful one that is why you have gone through this and survived. So this is also completely upon you to decide that now what's next?
You have to decide whether you have to get rid of this typical cycle of days making you mad or not and if you want to then you have to accept that. Accept whatsoever happened, accept that it can't be changed, accept that you have survived it, accept that you are not a loser but a survivor, and believe me this will be the point where everything will change.