Abuse is a serious issue that affects individuals in relationships, families, and even workplaces. It often follows a predictable pattern known as the “Cycle of Abuse.” Understanding this cycle can help victims recognize abusive patterns and take steps to break free. In this blog, we will explore the four stages of abuse and discuss how counseling can help survivors escape the cycle and heal.
What is the Cycle of Abuse?
Abusive relationships frequently exhibit a recurring pattern of behaviour known as the “cycle of abuse.” It was first identified by psychologist Dr. Lenore Walker in the 1970s. Tension Building, Incident, Reconciliation, and Calm are the four phases of the cycle. (Honeymoon Phase).
The 4 Stages of Abuse
- Tension Building Stage
In this stage, tension gradually increases in the relationship. The abuser may start displaying signs of irritability, mood swings, and impatience. The victim may feel  anxiety, Panic attacks, and walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.
Signs of this stage:
- Verbal threats or passive-aggressive behavior
- Emotional withdrawal from the abuser
- Increased criticism and blame
- Feeling of fear or unease
Victims often try to please the abuser or avoid situations that might trigger their anger. However, the tension continues to grow until it reaches a breaking point.
2. Incident Stage (Acute Explosion)
This is where the actual abuse takes place. The abuser may physically harm, emotionally manipulate, or verbally assault the victim. This is the most dangerous phase, as the abuse can escalate rapidly.
Forms of abuse during this stage:
- Physical violence (hitting, pushing, choking, etc.)
- Emotional abuse (insults, threats, humiliation)
- Sexual abuse (coercion, forced intimacy)
- Financial abuse (controlling money, restricting access to funds)
Victims often feel trapped and powerless at this stage, struggling with feelings of fear, pain, and humiliation.
3. Reconciliation Stage
After the abusive incident, the abuser often feels guilty or fears losing control over the victim. They may try to make amends by apologizing, making promises, or acting lovingly. This manipulative behavior is aimed at convincing the victim to stay.
Signs of this stage:
- The abuser apologizes and promises to change
- Presents, love, or extravagant actions to atone for the mistreatment.
- The abuse was minimised or denied (“It wasn’t that bad”).
- It is the victim’s hope that the relationship will improve.
This phase is deceptive because it gives victims false hope that the abuse will end, but in reality, the cycle will repeat itself.
4. Calm (Honeymoon Phase)
During this phase, the abuser acts as though the abuse never happened. They may be especially loving and attentive. The victim, wanting to believe that things have changed, may forgive the abuser and stay in the relationship.
Common behaviors in this stage:
- The abuser is extra kind and affectionate
- The victim believes things are back to normal
- Excuses are made for the abuserâs past behavior
How to Break the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking free from an abusive relationship is challenging, but it is possible with the right support. Here are some essential steps to help end the cycle:
- Recognizing the Signs of Abuse
Many victims donât realize they are in an abusive relationship until it becomes severe. Education and awareness are crucial in identifying toxic patterns early.
2. Seeking Professional Counseling
Therapy and counselling can offer victims crucial support. Professional counselors help individuals:
- Understand their situation objectively
- Build self-esteem and confidence
- Develop coping strategies and safety plans
- Heal from trauma and regain independence
3. Creating a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a step-by-step guide to leaving an abusive situation safely. It includes:
- Identifying a safe place to go
- Saving emergency contacts
- Packing essential items (documents, money, keys, medication)
- Informing trusted friends or family members
4. Reaching Out for Support
Although victims frequently feel alone, they are not. Support groups, family, friends, and domestic violence shelters can assist. Organizations such as PsychoWellness Center offer professional counseling services for abuse survivors.
5. Legal Protection
Many countries have laws protecting victims of abuse. Victims can file restraining orders or seek legal advice to protect themselves from further harm.
6. Focusing on Self-Healing
Leaving an abusive relationship is just the beginning. It takes time for survivors to recover emotionally and start over. Practices like therapy, mindfulness, self-care, and engaging in hobbies can help restore a sense of self-worth and independence.
How Counseling Helps in Overcoming Abuse
Counseling is important. Professional therapists use various techniques to support victims, such as:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT assists victims in regaining their self-esteem, overcoming negative beliefs, and creating healthy coping strategies.
Trauma-Informed Therapy
Trauma-Informed Therapy focuses on understanding the impact of trauma and helping survivors process their experiences in a safe, non-judgmental space.
Support Groups
Group therapy allows survivors to connect with others who have experienced similar situations, reducing feelings of isolation and promoting healing.
Conclusion
Abuse is a painful and complex experience, but understanding the cycle of abuse is the first step toward breaking free. With awareness, support, and professional counseling, victims can escape abusive relationships and reclaim their lives. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, donât hesitate to seek help from the top psychologists; there is always hope, and healing is possible.
Contributed by Ms. Sakshi Dhankhar, Counselling Psychologist
References:
- Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman Syndrome. New York: Springer.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). Understanding the Cycle of Abuse.
- American Psychological Association. (2023). Effects of Domestic Violence on Mental Health.