In the age of online dating, social media validation, and fast-paced digital communication, many people find themselves caught in a romantic experience that never truly existed, at least not in the way they believed. Welcome to the world of delusionships: one-sided emotional entanglements built more on fantasy and projection than on mutual connection.
A “delusionship” refers to a relationshipâreal or imaginedâwhere one person invests deeply, mentally and emotionally, despite a lack of genuine reciprocity or commitment from the other. The end of such a connection often feels like a breakup, even when there was no formal relationship to grieve. What follows is a confusing blend of shame, heartbreak, and self-doubt.
Understanding the psychological processes behind delusionshipsâand how to reclaim your self-worth after oneâis essential for emotional healing, growth, and healthier future connections.
What Makes Delusionships So Emotionally Intense?
Though a delusionship may lack tangible depth, the emotional pain it causes is very real. To understand why, we must explore some key psychological mechanisms:
1. Attachment Patterns
According to attachment theory, individuals with anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant attachment styles are more prone to forming strong bonds in unstable or ambiguous relationships. When affection or attention is inconsistently given, it triggers the brain’s reward system, making the connection feel more intense due to the intermittent reinforcement effect.
This psychological tug-of-war creates a loop: moments of hope are followed by emotional withdrawal, compelling the person to âchaseâ the connection harder.
2. Fantasy Projection and Idealisation
Often in delusionships, we arenât truly in love with the personâweâre in love with the idea of them. The brain fills in the gaps with projected ideals, imagining the other person as more attentive, emotionally available, or invested than they really are. This is known as positive illusion biasâa cognitive distortion that can make red flags seem romantic or mysterious.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
When someoneâs behaviour contradicts our expectations (e.g., ghosting or hot-and-cold behaviour), the mind tries to resolve the tension through cognitive dissonance. Instead of accepting the emotional unavailability, we might rationalise their behaviour: “Theyâre just busy,” or “Maybe theyâre scared of getting hurt.” Over time, this self-deception can erode self-worth and cloud reality.
The Emotional Aftermath: Why It Hurts So Much
Even if the connection was never official, the emotional fallout after a delusion is significant. The grief process is still real because the emotional investment was real, even if the relationship wasn’t. People often experience:
- Shame for âfallingâ so hard
- Anger at themselves for ignoring red flags
- Loss of self-trust
- Rumination and over-analysis
- Nostalgia for moments that werenât mutual
This kind of heartbreak is often more complicated because there’s no clear “ending” or closure. The person may feel they were mourning someone who was never really present, which can be psychologically destabilising.
Reclaiming Your Worth: A Psychological Path Forward
1. Validate Your Experience
The first step in healing is acknowledging that your feelings wereâand areâvalid. Just because a relationship lacked labels doesnât mean it didnât affect your emotional schema. Research in emotional psychology shows that invalidating oneâs own experiences delays healing and reinforces feelings of unworthiness. Allow yourself to grieve, not just the person, but the expectations, fantasies, and emotional investment you made.
2. Reconnect with Your Inner Narrative
A delusion often disconnects you from your inner truth. You might have reshaped yourself to fit the imagined ideal of what the other person wanted. Use narrative therapy techniques to rewrite your story. Ask yourself:
- When did I first start ignoring my intuition?
- What parts of me did I suppress?
- What did I believe I lacked that made me tolerate uncertainty?
Journaling and reflection help you step out of the fantasy and reclaim your voice.
3. Rebuild Emotional Boundaries
Often in delusionships, emotional boundaries become porous. We ignore our own needs to prioritise the hope of attention. Use boundary-setting exercises rooted in assertiveness training and self-compassion practices.
- Reaffirm statements like:
- “I deserve clarity.”
- “Mixed signals are a no.”
“Itâs okay to walk away from someone who isnât choosing me.”
4. Practice Self-Compassion, Not Self-Criticism
Many people spiral into self-blame after a delusionship. âI was so stupid.â âHow did I fall for that?â But the truth is, emotional hope isnât foolishâitâs human. Practising self-compassion, as outlined by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. This reprograms your inner dialogue and allows you to rebuild self-esteem not based on external validation but on intrinsic worth.
- Seek Therapeutic Support
Navigating the psychological complexity of delusionships is not easy, especially if you have underlying attachment wounds, trauma history, or low self-worth. Therapy can help you explore these patterns, understand your emotional needs, and build secure ways of relating.
Therapeutic modalities like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), and Inner Child Work can be highly effective in addressing the roots of relational patterns and empowering healing.
Conclusion
Delusionships hurt not because you’re weak or naĂŻve, but because you’re wired for connection. The pain is real, even if the relationship wasnât. Reclaiming your worth after such experiences involves validating your emotions, unlearning distorted beliefs, setting emotional boundaries, and nurturing a deeper connection with yourself. You are not defined by who didnât choose you. You are defined by how bravely you choose yourself again.
If you’re struggling to move on or reconnect with your self-worth, support is available. If youâve been searching for the best psychologist near me, online counselling at TalktoAngel provides accessible, confidential therapy from trained professionals who understand the emotional nuances of modern relationships. If you prefer a face-to-face connection, offline counselling at the Psychowellness Centre offers a safe and nurturing space for emotional healing and growth. Located in Janakpuri and Dwarka Sector-17 (011-47039812 / 7827208707), their clinicians specialise in emotional intelligence, confidence-building, and navigating digital-age stressors. Whether online or offline, seeking help is a powerful step in reclaiming the love and worth youâve always deserved.
This article is informed by the clinical expertise of Dr. R.K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist, and the professional guidance of Counselling Psychologist Ms. Mansi.
ReferencesÂ
- Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226â244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
- https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/how-to-recognize-and-treat-persistent-delusional-disorder/