Relationship abuse, whether it be financial, physical, or emotional, is sadly widespread and extremely complicated. Many outside observers often ask, âWhy would someone stay with a person who consistently hurts them?â The question seems logical on the surface, yet it overlooks the tangled web of psychological, emotional, and social factors that keep victims tethered to their abusers.
This blog explores the reasons why people keep loving those who repeatedly harm them, aiming to build compassion and understanding around a deeply misunderstood reality.
1.The Trauma Bond
One of the most well-documented reasons people stay in abusive relationships is the formation of trauma bonds. These emotional attachments develop through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement, periods of cruelty followed by affection or remorse.
Psychologist Patrick Carnes (1997) coined the term to describe how victims can become addicted to the emotional highs and lows within abusive dynamics. Just as in addiction, the brain releases dopamine during reconciliation phases, making the victim crave the abuserâs approval and validation despite the harm.
2. Low Self-Esteem and Learned Helplessness
Abusers often erode their partner’s self-worth over time. Victims may come to believe they deserve the abuse or that theyâre incapable of finding love elsewhere. This is a classic symptom of learned helplessness, a concept introduced by psychologists Martin Seligman and Steven Maier in the 1960s. Their research showed that when individuals experience repeated pain with no perceived escape, they eventually stop trying to avoid it, even when options are available.
Victims internalise the abuserâs criticism and begin to accept mistreatment as their norm. Emotional abuse, in particular, rewires self-perception, making people feel theyâre unlovable without the abuser’s validation.
3.The Hope for Change
Many victims genuinely believe their partner can change, especially when the abuser occasionally shows remorse, promises improvement, or blames external factors for their behaviour. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (2020), hope for reform is one of the primary reasons people stay. Statements like âItâs not always badâ or âTheyâre only like this when theyâre stressedâ reflect this hope, bolstered by memories of better times and the desire to return to them. Unfortunately, these moments of kindness often serve to deepen the trauma bond, making it even harder to leave.
4.Financial and Social Dependence
In financially abusive relationships, the abuser may control access to money, sabotage employment, or socially isolate the victim from financial independence. This creates an environment where leaving feels not just emotionally painful, but stressful and logistically impossible. Additionally, social stigma, cultural norms, or fear of judgment can prevent victims from seeking help. In some cultures or religious contexts, divorce or separation is frowned upon, forcing people to remain in unsafe situations.
A 2018 report by the World Health Organisation (WHO) emphasised how social and economic dependence significantly reduces a person’s ability to exit abusive relationships, especially in low-income communities.
5. Fear and Threats
Many abusers use threats to keep their partners from leaving. This includes threats of physical harm, suicide, taking away children, or ruining the victimâs reputation. These threats are not empty for many; abusers often follow through.
The U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that victims are at the greatest risk of severe violence or homicide when attempting to leave an abusive partner. This very real danger decides to stay not one of weakness, but of survival.
6.Distorted Definitions of Love
Many victims grow up in environments where love is intertwined with control, criticism, or violence. According to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969), early relationships with caregivers shape our future expectations of love. If a person was raised in a household where emotional neglect or anger was normalised, they might unconsciously seek similar dynamics in adulthood, equating abuse with affection.
7. Shame and Isolation
Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support systems, making it harder for them to reach out for help or gain perspective. When isolated, victims may feel ashamed of their situation or fear that no one will believe them.
Breaking the Cycle
Escaping an abusive relationship is never as simple as just walking away. It requires emotional strength, resources, and often professional support. Therapists, domestic violence shelters, legal services, and crisis hotlines play a critical role in helping survivors reclaim their autonomy and rebuild their lives.
Loving someone who abuses you does not make you weak or foolish; it highlights the complexity of human attachment and the deep psychological wounds that abuse inflicts. Understanding these dynamics is the first step toward healing, not only for survivors but also for the society that must learn to support them with empathy, not judgment.
Conclusion
Enduring painful love isnât about weaknessâit often stems from deep emotional ties, fear of abandonment, low self-worth, or trauma bonding. Many people stay in toxic or abusive relationships not because they want to suffer, but because their psychological patterns make it incredibly hard to let go. When love becomes entangled with pain, clarity is clouded, and the hope for change often overrides the reality of continued harm.
Understanding the psychology behind this endurance allows us to replace judgment with compassion. Healing starts with recognising your worth and breaking the cycle of emotional dependency.
If you or someone you care about feels trapped in painful love, you’re not aloneâand help is closer than you think. If youâve been searching for the best psychologist near me, expert guidance is within reach. The skilled therapists at Psychowellness Center, located in Janakpuri and Dwarka Sector-17, Delhi, specialise in relationship trauma, emotional resilience, and recovery from toxic dynamics. Prefer the comfort and privacy of home? TalktoAngel offers safe, confidential online therapy sessions with leading psychologists across India.
One of the most empowering decisions you can make is to regain control of your emotional space. To start your path to recovery, understanding, and long-term health, give 011-47039812 or 7827208707 a call right now.Â
Discover life-changing advice from Dr. R. K. Suri, a Clinical Psychologist, and Ms. Chanchal Agarwal, a Counseling Psychologist, as they offer valuable perspectives in this enlightening blog.
This blog was posted on 28 July 2025
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications Inc.
World Health Organization. (2018). Violence Against Women Prevalence Estimates.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2020). [www.thehotline.org]
Vogel, E. A., et al. (2020). Oversharing and Relationship Satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
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