It takes a great deal of courage, resilience, and resiliency to survive an abusive relationship. But once you’ve left, the healing journey has only just begun. One of the most deeply impacted aspects of a person after enduring abuse is self-esteem. Abuse—whether emotional, verbal, physical, or psychological—slowly chips away at your sense of self-worth. Over time, you may start believing the harsh words, internalising the manipulation, and losing touch with who you are. Rebuilding self-esteem after abuse is not just possible—it’s essential for reclaiming your life. Here are five purposeful strategies to get started on that path:
- Reconnect With Your Identity
Abuse often causes you to shrink parts of yourself to survive. You may have stopped dressing like you liked, avoided certain hobbies, or silenced your voice just to avoid conflict. Now is the time to reclaim your identity—the real you before the relationship and the new you shaped by what you’ve overcome.
How to Start:
List the activities you enjoyed doing before the relationship. Try reintroducing one small joy each week.
- Journal your thoughts: Write about your values, identity, and the kind of life you hope to lead.
- Make a list/journal with your goals, desires, and the person you wish to become in your ideal self.
- Reconnection may start slowly, but every step you take back toward yourself is an act of power.
2. Challenge the Inner Critic
Abusive partners often plant seeds of doubt: “You’re not good enough,” “No one else will love you,” or “You’re too sensitive.” These messages, repeated over time, can morph into your inner dialogue. The fact is, though, that those statements were a reflection of them rather than of you.
How to Start:
- Notice the negative thoughts when they arise. “Whose voice is this?” ask yourself for a time.
- Replace them with compassionate affirmations: Start with “I am learning to love and trust myself again,” even if it doesn’t feel fully true yet.
- Show that you care about yourself as you expect the same thing from others.
Undoing years of harmful messaging takes time, but with consistency, your self-talk can become a source of strength.
3. Set and Maintain Boundaries
Being able to say no and advocate for yourself is one of the most powerful gestures of self-worth. In abusive relationships, boundaries are often ignored, ridiculed, or punished and which creates disturbance in your mind and increases the stress level, depression, and burnout. Rebuilding self-esteem means relearning that your needs and feelings matter—and they’re valid.
How to Start:
- Identify your non-negotiables: What can you no longer put up with from other people?
- Practice assertive communication: This doesn’t mean being aggressive; it means expressing your thoughts clearly and respectfully.
- Start small: Set a boundary with a friend, colleague, or even yourself on how much time you give to others versus yourself.
Healthy boundaries are not walls to keep people out—they are doors with locks that you control.
4. Surround Yourself With Supportive People
Healing is hard to do in social isolation. After leaving an abusive relationship, it’s common to feel mistrustful or ashamed. But when you forget, the appropriate people can help you remember how valuable you are.
How to Start:
- Reach out to safe friends or family members who uplift and believe in you.
- Join support groups, either in person or online, where survivors share stories and strength.
- Think about collaborating with the best psychologists who specialise in self-esteem,anxiety, loneliness, OCD, and trauma healing.
You don’t have to be alone if you feel lonely, yet are unable to do so. Connecting with others who respect and support you can reinforce your inner healing.
5. Celebrate Small Wins
Rebuilding self-esteem isn’t about massive leaps. It’s about the small, consistent steps you take every day to reclaim your voice, your joy, and your confidence. Each boundary set, each kind thought about yourself, each moment of peace—you earned it.
How to Start:
- Keep a “victory log” where you note down every little success, from speaking up to taking time for yourself.
- Reward yourself for your courage, whether with a favourite treat, a walk in nature, or a relaxing activity.
- Speak gratitude for your progress, not perfection.
Self-esteem isn’t about feeling confident all the time—it’s about treating yourself with compassion, respect, and belief, even when it’s hard.
Conclusion
Leaving an abusive relationship may feel like the end of the world, but it’s also the beginning of a new one. A world where you get to be safe. A world where your voice matters. A world where you matter.
Healing will have its ups and downs. Some days, you’ll feel strong and radiant; other days, the old wounds may resurface. That’s okay. Progress isn’t linear. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, little by little, day by day.
You survived something deeply painful, and that makes you powerful beyond measure. Now, you get to rebuild not just your self-esteem but a life that’s rooted in your truth, your dreams, and your freedom. You are worthy. You always were. And now, you get to believe it.
Contributed by Ms. Srishti Jain, Counselling Psychologist
References
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
- Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
- McBride, K. (2018). Will I ever be free of you? How to navigate a high-conflict divorce from a narcissist and heal your family. Atria Books.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.