Breakups come with a lot of emotions, grief or loss, sadness, anger, longing, loneliness, PTSD, trauma, betrayal, and shock. From one emotion to another, the experience of breaking up with a partner can feel something close to an emotional rollercoaster. These massive emotions must be acknowledged and worked through to fully heal.
This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can provide valuable support. Grounded in mindfulness, compassion, and a theoretical base, ACT helps people deal with heartbreak. It doesn’t aim to erase the pain; instead, it teaches individuals to coexist with it while still moving toward a meaningful life.
Understanding ACT:
Steven C. created Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Hayes in the 1980s, is a relatively modern form of therapy, characterised by its primary focus of stopping the fight with your own emotions and building psychological flexibility, which allows you to fully engage with the present moment, recognise and accept thoughts and feelings, and align your actions with your values.
Unlike traditional models of therapy that mainly focus on reducing symptoms, ACT focuses on psychological flexibility. This means being open to your thoughts and feelings, even when they are painful, while taking actions that match your values.Ā After a breakup, many of us instinctively push away our emotions. We might try to distract ourselves, ignore thoughts of our ex, or rush into another relationship. But resisting often increases suffering. ACT encourages you to face your pain with curiosity and kindness, which can lessen its grip on your life.
Acceptance: Defeating Avoidance
The first step of ACT is acceptance, that involves recognising your emotions instead of pushing them away. Heartbreak can bring up a mix of feelings: sadness, frustration, guilt, loneliness, burnout, and sometimes even relief.
Society often pushes the idea of āmoving onā quickly, but grief doesnāt follow a set timeline. Acceptance means allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judging them. You might say to yourself, āIām feeling deep sorrow right now, and thatās okay. This is part of loss.ā You could try this simple exercise: Close your eyes and notice where you feel the emotion in your body, maybe a heaviness in your chest or a tightness in your stomach. Acceptance doesnāt mean you have to like or approve of the pain; itās about making room for it, like waiting for a storm to pass instead of trying to stop the rain. When you stop fighting your emotions, they often start to fade on their own.
Cognitive Defusion: Disentangling from Painful Thoughts
When you go through a breakup, it might trigger some very harmful negative thoughts about yourself or the situation, which may seem like absolute and real truths, but are far from it. These thoughts can look like:
- āIām unlovableā
- āI deserve to be aloneā
- āItās my faultā
ACT teaches a technique called cognitive defusion. This means seeing thoughts for what they are: just words and mental events, not facts. Instead of saying āIām unlovable,ā you can reframe it as, āIām having the thought that Iām unlovableā or āIām feeling unlovable.ā
This tiny adjustment separates you from your ideas. It lets you observe them as just another simple passing thought among millions of other thoughts you have daily, without getting overwhelmed.
Over time, this helps you identify which thoughts help you and which are simply old mental habits driven by pain.
Present-Moment Awareness
Breakups often trap us in two painful time zones: the past, where we think about what went wrong, and the future, where we wonder what will happen next. ACT emphasises being mindful and grounding yourself in the here and now. Mindfulness doesnāt mean erasing memories or fears. It means observing them without judgment while bringing your attention back to the present moment.
Here are some simple ways to practice being present:Ā
- When your mind wanders to your ex or your regrets, gently bring it back to whatās right in front of you. Focus on your senses; notice what you can observe through vision, smell, touch, smell, and taste.
- Mindful exercises like journaling, social interactions with loved ones can be highly grounding in moments of distress.
Self as Context: You are More Than Your Heartbreak
In ACT, thereās a concept called self-as-context. This means you are not your thoughts, feelings, or stories. The awareness that watches them is you.
After a breakup, itās easy to connect your identity to the pain, anxiety, and depression you are currently going through. You might think, āI am brokenā or āI am rejected.ā Self-as-context reminds you that these experiences are just passing waves in the vast ocean of who you are. You can picture yourself sitting on a riverbank, watching emotions and thoughts flow by. They come and go, but the observer (you) remains steady. This perspective can be truly freeing. It helps you realise that while heartbreak is part of your story, it doesnāt define your whole self or your life.
Value-based action
In ACT, youāre encouraged to reconnect with your personal values. These are the qualities that help balance the meaning of your life and stay centred. Breakups tend to decenter your entire life, including something that leads your behaviours and actions, your sense of purpose. ACT gives you the chance to stop, breathe, and ask yourself: āWhat really matters to me now?ā
Answering this in a well-thought-out manner can help you understand what your personal values look like; this can include creativity, self-compassion, growth, honesty, career goals, or even building healthier and meaningful connections with other people. Finding your personal answer to this will lead you into the next and final step towards healing.
Committed action
Finally, ACT emphasises committed action, that is, taking actions that are in alignment with your values, even in the presence of the pain of heartbreak still present. Healing doesnāt always mean waiting until a feeling or an emotion at present has passed completely from your life; it means actively putting in the effort by taking actions even when you donāt feel like youāre ready for it.
For example,
- If what you value at present is engaging in self-compassion more often, journal about your emotions by talking positively about yourself.
- If it is creativity that you value, make an active effort to engage in your favourite creative activity or communities at least once each day.
Conclusion
The path of healing from a breakup with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is not a linear one. Some days, acceptance will come to you naturally; other days, you may feel resistance again. However, each moment of awareness, each act of value-based committed actions, as well as self-compassion, is real and a success to be taken note of. These moments show that you are making progress, courageously and gently, toward a meaningful life.
For individuals struggling to cope with heartbreak, seeking professional guidance can make the healing journey more grounded and meaningful. Platforms like TalktoAngel, offering accessible online counseling with trained ACT practitioners, allow individuals to receive compassionate support from the comfort of home. Those who prefer in-person therapy can reach out to Psychowellness Center in Dwarka Sector-17 and Janakpuri, New Delhi (011-47039812 / 7827208707), where skilled psychologists provide evidence-based therapies including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Mindfulness-Based Therapy, Grief Counseling, and Emotion Regulation Therapy. These therapeutic approaches help individuals build psychological flexibility, process emotional pain, and reconnect with their core values after a breakup. With the right therapeutic support, it becomes easier to move through grief, rebuild self-worth, and step forward into a more meaningful, value-driven life.
Contribution: Dr. R.K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist, and Ms. Charavi Shah, Counselling Psychologist
References
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.
McEvoy, P. M., & Erceg-Hurn, D. M. (2023). āA Process-Based Therapy in Search of a Process: ACT.ā Behaviour Therapy.
Mohammadi, L., & Amiri, A. (2022). āThe effect of acceptance and commitment therapy on psychological flexibility and emotion regulation in divorced women.ā Feyz Journal.
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/healing-from-breakup-trauma/
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/what-happen-when-closure-is-not-given-after-breakup/
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/breakup-counselling-part-1/
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/taking-a-relationship-break-to-reflect-reset-and-grow/
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/healing-and-moving-forward-after-a-breakup-7-key-steps
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/effective-ways-to-end-relationships-on-good-terms/
https://www.psychowellnesscenter.com/Blog/breakup-counselling-part-2/
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