If you have ever looked back at your relationship history and wondered why the same painful patterns keep repeating, you are not alone.
Many people find themselves drawn again and again into toxic relationships, even when they genuinely want something healthy, calm, and emotionally safe. This experience can be confusing and exhausting, often leaving you questioning your judgment, your self-worth, or your ability to choose “better” next time.
The truth is, repeatedly falling for toxic people is rarely about being foolish or weak. It is usually about psychology, learning, and emotional wiring. Understanding the deeper reasons behind this pattern is the first step toward breaking it.
What Do We Mean by “Toxic” Anyway?
Toxic people don’t always appear with a warning sign attached to themself. They can be charming, intense, attentive, or deeply charismatic in the early stages. Over time, though, the relationship begins to feel draining, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe. This can include manipulation, gaslighting, control, chronic criticism, or patterns of emotional abuse that slowly erode your sense of self. Many toxic dynamics are marked by cycles of affection followed by withdrawal, conflict, or blame. These cycles can create confusion and emotional dependence, making it hard to leave even when you know something is wrong.
Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Unknown Peace
One of the most common reasons people fall into unstable relationships repeatedly is the presence of elements of familiarity.
If you grew up around emotional inconsistency, criticism, neglect, or chaos, your nervous system may have learned to associate love with instability. Calm, emotionally available people might feel unfamiliar or even boring, while intensity feels like connection.
This does not mean you consciously want pain. It means your brain has been trained to recognise certain emotional patterns as “normal.” Over time, your system seeks what it knows, even if it hurts.
The Role of Self-Esteem in Partner Choices
Low or fragile self-esteem plays a powerful role in relationship choices. When you do not fully believe you deserve kindness, consistency, and respect, you may tolerate behaviour that violates your emotional boundaries. Toxic partners often sense this vulnerability, not because you attract harm, but because people with poor boundaries are easier targets for manipulation.
You might find yourself overexplaining, people-pleasing, or accepting blame to keep the relationship intact. On the surface, it looks like loyalty. Underneath, it is often fear of abandonment or fear that this is “as good as it gets.”
Trauma Bonds and Emotional Attachment
Past trauma, especially relational trauma, can strongly influence whom you feel drawn to.
When a relationship frequently alternates between emotional harm and emotional repair, typically in an unbalanced dynamic, trauma ties are created. The partner who causes distress also becomes the source of comfort, reassurance, or affection afterwards. Over time, the brain releases stress hormones during conflict and dopamine during reconciliation, creating a powerful emotional loop that feels intense and addictive.
This is why leaving toxic dynamics can feel physically painful, not just emotionally difficult. Your body is responding to the loss of a familiar chemical pattern, not just the person themselves.
Why Red Flags Feel Invisible at First
Toxic relationships rarely begin badly. In fact, they often start with emotional intensity, deep conversations, and rapid closeness. This “fast bonding” can override any other feelings that may signal emotional pain during the beginning of the relationship. If you are craving connection or healing, this intensity may feel like validation rather than a red flag.
Over time, as control or inconsistency appears, you may rationalise it, hoping the loving version of the person will return. This cycle contributes to ongoing relationship problems and emotional exhaustion.
How Therapy Helps Break the Pattern
Happily, these patterns are reversible. Therapy can help you understand where your relationship templates came from and how to consciously change them. Approaches like CBT focus on identifying unhelpful beliefs such as “I have to earn love” or “Being alone is worse than being mistreated.” By challenging and reshaping these thoughts, you can begin to make healthier emotional choices.
DBT is especially helpful for people who experience intense emotions or fear abandonment. It teaches emotional control, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, skills that are essential for forming balanced, respectful relationships.
Learning What Healthy Actually Feels Like
One of the most important steps in healing is redefining love. Healthy relationships often feel steady rather than intense, safe rather than dramatic, and respectful rather than consuming. At first, this calmness can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable if chaos was your baseline.
Boundaries Are Learned, Not Inborn
Many people believe they are “bad at boundaries,” but boundaries are skills, not personality traits. Learning to say no, to pause before overgiving, and to notice early discomfort are all part of building healthy relationships and boundaries.
When boundaries strengthen, toxic dynamics lose their grip. You begin to notice red flags earlier and feel more confident walking away, not out of anger, but out of self-respect.
Getting the Right Support Matters
Working with trained mental health professionals, whether through in-person sessions, can make this process less overwhelming. A qualified therapist helps you explore patterns without judgment and gives you tools to respond differently, not just understand intellectually. The right therapeutic alliance can be deeply healing and empowering.
Conclusion
If you keep falling for toxic people, it does not mean you are doomed or damaged. It means your emotional system learned survival strategies that once made sense. Now, you have the opportunity to update those strategies with awareness, compassion, and support. Change does not happen overnight. But with insight, therapy, and patience, it is absolutely possible to shift toward relationships that feel safe, mutual, and emotionally nourishing. You deserve love that does not hurt. And learning to choose it is a journey worth taking.
If you find yourself repeatedly drawn into toxic relationships and struggling to break these patterns on your own, seeking professional guidance can be a powerful step toward healing. Psychowellness Center offers specialised therapy with experienced clinical psychologists and counselors who help individuals understand attachment patterns, heal relational trauma, strengthen boundaries, and rebuild self-worth. Support is available at their Dwarka Sector-17 and Janakpuri centres, and appointments can be scheduled by calling 011-47039812 / 7827208707. For those who prefer the flexibility of online counselling, TalktoAngel provides confidential virtual therapy sessions with trained professionals. With the right support, it is possible to move away from painful relationship cycles and toward connections that are healthy, secure, and emotionally fulfilling.
Contribution: Dr. R.K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist, and Ms. Charavi Shah, Counselling Psychologist
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). DSM-5-TR: Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). APA Publishing.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment, caregiving, and compassion: An attachment perspective on prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality, 84(1), 6–19. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12156
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