Love is something we all seek, yet for some people, when they finally find a safe, respectful, and emotionally healthy relationship, they run. It might seem confusingâwhy would anyone turn away from what appears to be exactly what they need? The answer lies deep within human psychology, shaped by past experiences, emotional patterns, and unresolved fears.
In this blog, weâll explore the reasons why some people withdraw from healthy love, even when they crave connection, and how understanding these behaviours can help in dating, friendships, and relationship counselling.
The Influence of Past Trauma and Toxic Relationships
Many people who struggle with accepting healthy love have a history of toxic relationships. These relationships are often characterised by emotional manipulation, constant conflict, and a lack of trust. Over time, these patterns become familiar. The brain starts to associate love with chaos and emotional highs and lows.
A person might unconsciously sabotage the relationship or pull away because they equate emotional stability with a lack of passion. Essentially, their past trauma has distorted their perception of what love should look like.
Fear of Dependence and Losing Control
Healthy relationships require vulnerability and a level of emotional dependence. For someone who has been let down or hurt in the past, depending on another person can feel risky. They might fear losing their independence or control over their emotions. The idea of opening up completely can be terrifying, even if their partner has shown nothing but respect and care.
This fear often surfaces in dating as hesitation, pulling back when things get serious, or creating distance. The person may be afraid that if they let someone in too much, theyâll lose themselves, or worse, be abandoned again.
Anxiety and Overthinking in Healthy Love
Anxiety plays a big role in why someone might run from a good relationship. Thoughts like âWhat if I mess this up?â, âDo I deserve this?â or âWhat if they stop loving me?â can loop endlessly in the mind. Even in a safe relationship, anxiety can cause someone to feel like somethingâs wrong, even when everything is going right.
This is especially common in people with attachment issues.. The stress of constantly worrying or overanalysing every interaction can make them feel overwhelmed, leading to emotional withdrawal or even a breakup.
Dating Concerns and the Pressure to Be Perfect
In todayâs dating culture, thereâs a lot of pressure to appear flawless. Social media and online dating can create unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like. When someone enters a genuine relationship that involves honest communication, compromise, and emotional depth, it can bring up insecurities.
People may worry that theyâre not enough or that their flaws will be exposed. These dating concerns can cause someone to feel undeserving of love. Instead of facing those uncomfortable feelings, they might choose to leave before their partner gets the chance.
When Stress Becomes a Relationship Barrier
Modern life is filled with stress, from work deadlines and financial pressure to personal responsibilities. For someone with high stress levels, adding a relationship (even a healthy one) can feel overwhelming. They may not have the emotional bandwidth to nurture a partnership, and this can lead to avoidance.
Ironically, a supportive relationship could help relieve stress, but only if the person is open to receiving that support. Often, theyâve learned to cope alone for so long that the idea of letting someone in feels more like a burden than a comfort.
Self-Sabotage and Low Self-Esteem
At the root of many fears around healthy love is low self-worth. People who donât believe they deserve to be loved may unconsciously push others away. They might engage in self-sabotaging behaviourâpicking fights, shutting down emotionally, or cheatingâbecause deep down, they expect the relationship to fail.
This belief may come from early childhood experiences or past relationships that reinforced the idea that theyâre not lovable or enough. Unfortunately, unless these beliefs are addressed, the cycle continues.
The Role of Relationship Counselling
A counsellor for relationships can help individuals explore their past and understand how it affects their present. Relationship counselling offers tools for building trust, improving communication, and managing anxiety in a relationship. Whether someone is trying to heal from a breakup, overcome issues from a toxic relationship, or simply wants to understand their dating patterns, therapy can make a significant difference.
Relearning What Love Looks Like
But for someone whoâs only known instability or emotional pain, relearning what love is can take time.
This process often starts by building strong friendships where trust and vulnerability are practised without romantic pressure. Friendships can serve as a foundation for future romantic relationships and help rewire the brain to see emotional connection as a positive experience.
Conclusion
Running from healthy love doesnât mean someone is broken or incapable of connection. It usually means theyâre protecting themselves from pain they’ve already experienced. But growth is possible. With self-awareness, support, and sometimes the help of a trained counsellor for relationships, people can learn to stay, especially when love is finally safe. To take the first step, you can book a consultation at the Psychowellness Center located in Janakpuri or Dwarka by calling 011-47039812 or 7827208707. For convenient access to online therapy tailored to relationship concerns, you can also explore the TalktoAngel platform. And while it can be scary to trust something new, especially after pain, itâs often in those quiet, steady relationships that true healing begins.
Contributed by Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist
ReferencesÂ
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
- Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2011). Attachment style. In J. S. Mills (Ed.), Encyclopedia of personality and individual differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_469