Depression is often referred to as the “silent epidemic” because it is invisible to the outside world but deeply affects the person experiencing it. If your spouse is dealing with depression, it can feel overwhelming to know how to be there for them. Watching someone you love struggle with this condition is emotionally draining, especially when it feels like nothing you do makes a difference. However, your support can play a pivotal role in their recovery. Understanding depression, offering emotional support, and taking care of your own well-being are essential steps in navigating this difficult experience. This blog will guide you on how to be around a depressed spouse, offering insight into the ways you can help while maintaining your own mental health.
Understanding Depression in the Context of Marriage
Depression isn’t just about feeling sad or low, it is a complex mental health disorder that can affect mood, energy, sleep, appetite, and even physical health. When someone is depressed, they might experience feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and worthlessness, often leading to emotional withdrawal. This can create a disconnect in a marriage, as the depressed spouse may not be able to engage in regular activities, communicate effectively, or maintain intimacy.
Understanding that depression is a medical condition, not a personal failing, is the first step in knowing how to support your spouse. Just as you would approach any other illness with care and compassion, depression deserves the same level of understanding.
1. Acknowledge the Condition Without Judging
One of the most important things you can do for your depressed spouse is to acknowledge their condition without judgment. Depression is often accompanied by feelings of shame and guilt. Your spouse may feel like they are letting you down or that they are not living up to your expectations. By showing empathy and understanding, you help alleviate some of this burden. Reassure them that depression is an illness, not something they can simply “snap out of.”
Avoid making dismissive statements like, “Just think positive,” or “It could be worse.” These remarks can make your spouse feel misunderstood and may cause them to retreat even further into themselves. Instead, try saying things like, “I can see you’re going through a tough time,” or “Iâm here for you, and weâll get through this together.”
2. Listen Actively
Sometimes, your spouse might need to talk about their feelings, but they may not know how to articulate what theyâre going through. Being a good listener is one of the best ways to support them. Avoid jumping in with solutions or advice right away, sometimes, all your spouse needs is a safe space to express themselves. Let them talk without interruptions or distractions, and make sure they feel heard.
Active listening also means being present without offering immediate judgments or solutions. Your spouse might just need to vent, and having you listen attentively can make them feel supported and validated.
3. Encourage Professional Help (Without Pushing)
While your support is crucial, itâs important to recognise that depression often requires professional treatment, such as therapy or medication. Encouraging your spouse to seek help is a delicate matter, and it should be done with care.
Avoid pressuring your spouse into seeking therapy, as this may cause them to withdraw further. Instead, approach the topic gently. For example, you can say, “I think it could really help if you spoke to someone who specialises in depression. Iâm happy to help you find someone or go with you if youâd like.”
If your spouse is resistant to therapy, be patient and avoid pushing them too hard. Let them know that seeking help is a personal choice, but itâs one that could help them feel better in the long run.
4. Create a Supportive Environment
The environment in which your spouse lives plays a significant role in their mental health. A calm, understanding, and non-judgmental atmosphere can help them feel safe and more likely to engage with their treatment. This means reducing stressors in the home, being mindful of your tone and words, and avoiding any unnecessary conflicts.
In addition to emotional support, physical care can also be important. Encourage your spouse to take care of themselves, even if itâs in small ways. Sometimes, even basic tasks like making sure they eat regularly, take their medication, or get enough sleep can be a challenge for a person with depression.
However, be cautious not to overtake responsibilities or infantilise them. It’s essential to maintain a balance between being helpful and allowing them autonomy. Offer help, but donât assume they canât manage anything on their own.
5. Respect Their Space
Depression often leads to feelings of isolation. While your instinct may be to constantly check on your spouse and keep them occupied, itâs important to give them space when they need it. Overcrowding them with attention can make them feel smothered or more overwhelmed.
Instead of hovering, offer to spend time with them when they feel up to it. You could suggest quiet activities like watching a movie together, reading, or simply sitting in silence. Let them know youâre available when theyâre ready to engage, but respect their need for solitude.
6. Take Care of Your Own Mental Health
Caring for a depressed spouse can be emotionally and physically draining. You must take care of your own mental health as well. You might experience feelings of frustration, helplessness, or burnout as you try to support your spouse. Itâs important to set boundaries and make time for self-care.
Consider seeking professional support for yourself, such as therapy or counselling, like Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Stress-Management Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, and Mindfulness-Based Therapy, to help process your own feelings. Itâs also okay to lean on friends or family for support. Taking care of your own well-being ensures that you are in the best position to offer help to your spouse.
7. Be Patient and Avoid Giving Up
Depression doesnât resolve overnight. The road to recovery can be long and filled with ups and downs. Itâs crucial to be patient and understand that there may be setbacks along the way. Your spouse might not always seem like they are improving, and you might feel frustrated or powerless at times. But remember, your consistent support, along with professional help, can make a difference.
Avoid giving up on your spouse during difficult moments. The fact that youâre showing up for them through this challenging time speaks volumes about your commitment and love.
Conclusion: Seeking Professional Help for Yourself and Your Spouse
Supporting a depressed spouse can be emotionally taxing, but it is also incredibly meaningful. By understanding the nature of depression, offering a listening ear, encouraging professional help, and creating a supportive environment, you can help your spouse navigate their mental health journey. However, itâs also important to take care of your own mental well-being in the process.
If you and your spouse are struggling with the challenges of depression, TalktoAngel Online Counselling offers a convenient and confidential way for individuals and couples to access professional help. Whether you need individual counselling or support for both of you, TalktoAngel provides licensed therapists who specialise in depression and relationship dynamics.
For those who prefer in-person counselling, Psychowellness Centre offers offline sessions that provide a safe and supportive environment for mental health healing. Whether it’s for you or your spouse, these professional services can guide both of you through the complexities of mental health and relationship recovery.
Contribution: Dr. R.K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist, and Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist
References
Bauer, M., & Pfennig, A. (2018). The role of family and marital support in depression treatment. Journal of Affective Disorders, 228, 1-7. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.12.016
Hall, L. A., & Sykes, S. E. (2016). Supportive communication and marital satisfaction in couples with mental health issues: The importance of empathy. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(4), 936-948. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12318
Shapiro, L. D., & Keyes, C. L. M. (2020). Emotional resilience in marriage: How spouses cope with mental illness in their partner. Family Relations, 69(3), 591-603. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12356
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