Being the eldest child in a family often means inheriting a unique mix of privileges and pressures. Alfred Adler, the Austrian psychologist and founder of Individual Psychology, was among the first to systematically explore birth order as a significant factor in personality development. His theory suggested that a child’s ordinal position within the family profoundly influences their psychological growth, coping strategies, and social relationships (Adler, 1924; 1964).
In this blog, we explore the pressures faced by eldest children through the lens of Adler’s first-order birth position, linking these ideas to contemporary psychological findings and therapeutic approaches.
Adlerian Perspective on Eldest Children
Adler believed that the firstborn child begins life with a position of privilege, receiving undivided parental attention during their early years. However, this special status is inevitably disrupted by the arrival of younger siblings. Adler referred to this transition as “dethronement” (Adler, 1964). For many eldest children, this shift represents the first major emotional upheaval of life. They must suddenly share their parents’ time, affection, and resources, often leading to feelings of displacement, rivalry, or a need to reassert their value within the family.
To adapt, many eldest children take on heightened levels of responsibility. They may strive to become the “miniature adults” of the family, organized, conscientious, and dependable (NCBI, n.d.). While these traits can serve them well in school and careers, they also create internalized pressure to maintain high standards and live up to parental expectations. Adler suggested that this drive can turn into a fictive goal of perfection, fueling success but also anxiety and self-criticism.
On the other hand, Adler warned that eldest children could become overly conservative, rigid, or even neurotic if the burden of responsibility is too great (Adler, 1924). In extreme cases, unresolved feelings from dethronement and constant high expectations can lead to insecurity, resentment, obsessive thoughts, or withdrawal from close relationships.
Contemporary Understanding of Firstborn Pressures
Modern psychology has expanded and, in some cases, challenged Adler’s conclusions. The concept of “oldest-child syndrome” is widely recognized in popular psychology. This term describes a pattern where firstborns are seen as perfectionistic, achievement-oriented, and reliable, but also prone to stress, anxiety, and fear of failure (Cleveland Clinic, n.d.; Verywell Mind, 2023).
Research suggests that eldest children often receive more parental investment in early life, such as time spent on reading, language development, and teaching. These advantages can result in slightly higher IQ scores on average (Time, n.d.). However, the flipside is that these children often internalize the belief that their worth is tied to performance and compliance, making them more vulnerable to burnout and self-esteem issues.
A significant pressure point for many eldest children is parentification, assuming adult-like caregiving duties for younger siblings or even for parents during times of stress. While this can foster empathy and maturity, it also deprives them of a full childhood experience and creates identity confusion. The line between being a sibling and a surrogate parent becomes blurred, leaving little room for self-exploration.
Despite these patterns, large-scale studies have found minimal long-term effects of birth order on stable personality traits such as extraversion, agreeableness, or openness (PsychCentral, n.d.). Critics of birth-order theory argue that many observed differences are due to within-family dynamics and confirmation bias, where people selectively notice behaviors that fit stereotypes (Wikipedia, n.d.). Still, even if these effects are smaller than Adler proposed, the lived experiences of eldest children, and their subjective feelings of pressure, remain significant from a therapeutic perspective.
Psychological Impacts of Being the Eldest One of the most common struggles eldest children report is difficulty separating their sense of self from their family role. Many grow up feeling that they are valued primarily for their competence, reliability, and problem-solving abilities. Over time, this can create a conditional self-worth, where love and approval feel tied to productivity or success rather than inherent value.
This dynamic can contribute to anxiety disorders, perfectionism, and even depression. The emotional burden intensifies in families where parents, consciously or not, rely heavily on the eldest for emotional or logistical support. Without intervention, these patterns can persist into adulthood, affecting romantic relationships, career choices, and self-esteem.
Therapeutic Approaches for Supporting Eldest Children
From an Adlerian therapy perspective, awareness is the first step. Helping clients recognize how their birth order has shaped their beliefs, habits, and relational patterns can foster self-compassion and insight. Eldest children may need to confront the lingering effects of dethronement, perfectionism, and over-responsibility.
Family therapy offers another lens, focusing on how roles are assigned and maintained within families. Therapists may work not only with the eldest child but with the entire family to rebalance responsibilities, set healthier boundaries, and ensure that each member’s needs are acknowledged.
Key therapeutic goals for eldest children often include:
- Separating identity from role – Encouraging exploration of personal interests, values, and aspirations outside of family expectations.
- Boundary setting – Learning to say “no” without guilt, and to resist overextending oneself in caretaking roles.
- Reducing perfectionism – Shifting focus from flawless achievement to personal growth, effort, and self-acceptance.
- Reclaiming playfulness – Reintroducing leisure, creativity, and unstructured joy into daily life, especially for those who grew up “too soon.”
For parents, therapeutic work may involve avoiding favoritism, maintaining balanced expectations, and recognizing the individual needs of each child. Encouraging independence and resilience without overburdening the eldest with adult-like duties is critical for healthy family functioning.
Conclusion
The life of the eldest child is often a balancing act between privilege and pressure. Adler’s birth order theory provides a valuable framework for understanding why these individuals may feel compelled to lead, achieve, and take responsibility, sometimes at the cost of their own well-being. While modern research suggests that birth order may not rigidly determine personality, the lived experiences of eldest children reveal real psychological and emotional pressures that warrant attention.
In therapy, acknowledging these patterns can help eldest children release the weight of unrealistic expectations, reconnect with their authentic selves, and embrace a more balanced and self-compassionate way of living. By doing so, they can retain their strengths, leadership, reliability, and determination, without being defined or limited by the pressures of their birth order
Many eldest children find themselves carrying responsibilities and expectations that go far beyond their years, which can leave them feeling overwhelmed, perfectionistic, or disconnected from their own needs. At the Psychowellness Center in Dwarka Sector-17 (011-47039812 / 7827208707) and Janakpuri (011-47039812 / 7827208707), professional child psychologists and top therapists in India provide guidance to help firstborns recognize and release the pressures associated with their family roles. Through Individual Counseling, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for anxiety and perfectionism, and Family Therapy sessions, eldest children can explore healthier boundaries, reduce self-criticism, and rediscover their own identity outside of responsibilities. For those experiencing emotional strain from parentification, sibling rivalry, or strained family dynamics, approaches such as Behavioral Therapy and Group Counseling build resilience, self-worth, and emotional control. With accessible online options like TalktoAngel, support is available anytime, ensuring that the eldest children are not left to navigate these unique pressures alone. With the right therapeutic care, they can retain their strengths, leadership, maturity, and reliability, while also reclaiming joy, self-compassion, and balance in life.
Contributors: Dr. R.K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist, and Ms. Sakshi Dhankhar, Counselling Psychologist
This blog was posted on 16 September 2025
References
Adler, A. (1924). The Practice and Theory of Individual Psychology.
Adler, A. (1964). Problems of neurosis. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
Cleveland Clinic. (n.d.). Oldest child syndrome and birth order. Health/Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/oldest-child-syndrome-and-birth-order
NCBI. (n.d.). Adlerian Therapy. StatPearls. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK599518/
PsychCentral. (n.d.). Does birth order impact personality? https://psychcentral.com/blog/birth-order-and-personality
Time. (n.d.). Does birth order really determine personality? Time Magazine. https://time.com/5953372/birth-order-personality-traits/
Verywell Mind. (2023, December 6). Understanding oldest child syndrome and how it shapes childhood development. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-oldest-child-syndrome-shapes-childhood-development-7866816
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Parentification. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Birth order. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_order
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/role-of-birth-order-in-shaping-personality-and-relationships
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/overcoming-eldest-daughter-syndrome
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/eldest-daughter-syndrome-the-ceo-of-family-responsibility
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/addressing-cultural-and-gender-based-stigma-around-mental-health