Have you ever had a relationship that feels like both a warm hug and a cold shoulderâsometimes in the same conversation? Where do you feel drawn in one moment and pushed away the next? That, my friend, might just be an ambivalent relationshipâa dynamic thatâs far more common than we realise, yet often misunderstood. Letâs dive deep into the world of ambivalence in relationshipsâwhat it looks like, why it happens, how it affects our mental and emotional health, and most importantly, what we can do about it.
What is an Ambivalent Relationship?
An ambivalent relationship is marked by mixed emotionsâlove and resentment, care and detachment, security and fearâall tangled up in one confusing dynamic. Itâs like being caught in a loop where one minute you’re connected, and the next, youâre questioning everything.
Ambivalence isnât limited to romantic partners. It can show up in friendships, parent-child relationships, siblings, and even professional settings. The hallmark is emotional inconsistency: one day you’re close, the next day you’re distant, without ever really knowing where you stand.
These kinds of relationships can often give rise to dating concerns, especially when youâre unsure whether the bond you’re forming is healthy or heading toward a more toxic relationship pattern. The confusion can even mirror some of the warning signs seen in cheating & infidelity scenarios, where trust and transparency begin to erode.
Signs You’re in an Ambivalent Relationship
If youâre unsure whether your relationship falls under this category, here are some red flags that might resonate:
- Inconsistency:- Â Your connection feels unpredictable. Some days, your partner or friend seems all-in; other days, theyâre emotionally unavailable or even cold.
- Mixed Signals:- Â They say they care, but their actions often tell a different story. You feel like you’re constantly guessing how they feel.
- Push-Pull Dynamics:- When you get too close, they pull away. When you pull away, they chase. This tug-of-war keeps you emotionally on edge.
- Anxiety and Confusion:- Â You spend a lot of time overthinking the relationship, questioning your worth, and trying to interpret their behaviour.
This emotional instability can lead to deeper couple conflicts, especially when communication breaks down or expectations arenât met. Over time, unresolved tension might even result in a painful breakup, leaving one or both partners feeling confused and alone. And in some cases, the emotional rollercoaster of an ambivalent relationship can intensify feelings of loneliness, even when you’re physically with someone.
The Psychology Behind Ambivalence
Ambivalent relationships often stem from attachment issues, particularly ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment styles developed during childhood. If someone grew up in an environment where love and attention were inconsistentâsometimes warm, sometimes withdrawnâthey may have learned that connection comes with uncertainty.
This kind of upbringing creates a deep desire for intimacy paired with a fear of rejection or abandonment. As adults, these individuals may crave closeness but feel unsafe when they get it, leading to confusing behaviour like withdrawing, overanalyzing, or acting hot and cold.
How Ambivalent Relationships Affect You
Living in emotional uncertainty takes a real toll on your mental health. Over time, it can lead to:
- Low self-esteem: Constant rejection or mixed messages may cause you to question your worth.
- Emotional exhaustion: The effort to âfixâ the relationship or keep it stable becomes draining.
- Procrastination in decision-making: You may find it difficult to leave because of the hope that it might get better, even though the patterns remain the same.
Ambivalent relationships often leave people feeling lonely, even when theyâre not alone. You might find yourself thinking, âWhy do I feel so disconnected when someoneâs right beside me?â
Why People Stay in Ambivalent Relationships
It might seem confusing why anyone would stay in a relationship that causes so much inner turmoil. But emotional ambivalence can be strangely addictive. Hereâs why:
- Hope: The good moments feel so rewarding that you hang on, hoping theyâll return.
- Fear of being alone: Youâd rather deal with inconsistency than face the unknown of solitude.
- Self-doubt: You wonder if youâre overreacting or expecting too much.
- Trauma bonding: Emotional highs and lows mimic the pattern of trauma, which can make the relationship feel intense, even if itâs unhealthy.
Navigating Ambivalent Relationships: What Can You Do?
If youâve recognised ambivalence in one of your close connections, the good news is that awareness is the first step to change. Hereâs how you can move forward:
- Get Honest With Yourself
Ask yourself some hard questions:
- Do I feel emotionally fulfilled?
- Am I compromising my mental health to maintain this connection?
Being honest about how the relationship makes you feel is essential.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing what is and isnât okay in your interactions is crucial. If someone repeatedly crosses those lines, youâll need to reevaluate how much access they have to your emotional space.
3. Prioritise Self-Worth and Self-Improvement
Work on building your self-esteem independently of the relationship. Activities that reinforce your value, like therapy, journaling, exercise, and spending time with supportive people, can help ground you.
4. Consider Professional Support
Sometimes the patterns run deep, and working with a therapist can help you unpack the roots of ambivalenceâboth in yourself and in others.
Can Ambivalent Relationships Be Healed?
Yesâbut only if both people are willing to show up honestly and consistently. Healing requires:
- Open communication
- Mutual accountability
- A willingness to look at past wounds
- Time and effort from both sides
If the other person isnât willing to meet you halfway, then sometimes the healthiest choice is to let go, as hard as that may be.
ConclusionÂ
Ambivalent relationships can leave us feeling stuckâwanting to stay, needing to leave, craving connection, fearing hurt. But your peace of mind and emotional well-being matter more than staying in a relationship that makes you question your worth. The goal isnât to find a perfect relationship, but one where you feel safe, seen, and valuedâconsistently, not occasionally. If any of this resonated with you, take it as a gentle nudge to reflect, realign, and reimagine what healthy love can look like. You deserve clarity, not chaos.
Contributed by Ms Riya Rathi, Counselling Psychologist.
References
- American Psychological Association. (2023). Attachment theory and relationships. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/attachment-theory
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
- Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132â154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511â524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511